Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
