just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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