I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
