Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
