this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
