Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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