he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
