I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
