defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
