I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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