No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
