I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
