i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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