yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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