if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
