Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
