i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
