Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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