somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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