I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
