i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
