is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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