watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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