Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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