Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
