I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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