no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
