Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
