We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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