I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
