just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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