Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I didn't notice because vodka
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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