cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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