i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
there is glitter all over my balls
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