you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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