she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
