weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
