I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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