you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
