piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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