mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
