I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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