I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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