I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
