Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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