Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
