Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
