I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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