Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
