1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
