i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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