this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Pooping to opera.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
